Somewhere in Queens

Somewhere in Queens

I get off the subway somewhere in Queens. I am here to meet friends for a quiz night in a bar nearby, a New York evening in September when the city is still warm from the day but the air is cooling with autumn. The nights feel between things: the same way the day held … Continue reading

I don’t even like football

I don’t even like football

There’s a place I go in my soul that says, honey, I left you in June where the sidewalks were hunger and failing to disappear. There’s a place I go where I can’t undo myself anymore; I can only exist in the medium space between understanding and not trying to understand, where I hold my own heart and lean into the heart of holding me. Continue reading

Dying in the age of Facebook

It’s March in Hungary. It hasn’t rained, so the day holds both the warmth of the sun and the faint chill of a winter that is ready to let go. I am wandering along a bridge between Buda and Pest after climbing a hill over the city in the evening light. I’ve been thinking about … Continue reading

Begin at the end

Begin at the end

I want to start at the end. At the part when she’s laughing at her graduation. But I cannot tell you about her split-face smile, the way it shakes with raw and unreasonable nerves, restless pride swelling, the seams of her dress stretching to expand with her heart that is skipping beats when she’s standing … Continue reading

Radical

Radical

The Uber driver is a New Jersey woman who becomes chatty as we pull away from the 30th street train station and turn the corner. She launches into a story about the woman she just dropped off, which leads to a story about a woman who cussed her out and a mom who packed her … Continue reading

Shades of heaven

Shades of heaven

“Can I come over?” I’m sitting in my family’s dining room at night with the lights on bright, and I’m still crying. It’s my 28th birthday, and although I’ve had a birthday dinner over the weekend, at the end of this particular Tuesday, I’m sitting in an empty house in September, and it feels wide … Continue reading

The hard days

The hard days

I catch a train from Penn Station out to Mineola, Long Island. I’ve never been to Mineola, but there is a Marriott hotel there called Springhill Suites. My friend Meghan is staying there while she’s in town for a funeral, and I tell her, “I’m catching the 6:51 train,” so she is waiting for me … Continue reading

The way things end

The way things end

“It’s the way things end. I watch it all slow down around me the moment before it fades. I try to inhale the last moment when every step is a last step.” – Dec. 15, 2009. It’s a Wednesday after work in the 9th arrondissement of Paris, where the front door spills out onto a … Continue reading